Some Days.....

Some days are so great you can't hardly wait to jump out of bed and others you wish you could just crawl back in.  Today is one of those days.

I consider myself to be a pretty strong person and have overcome many obstacles and disappointments in my life.  I have suffered many losses and have remained strong and positive.  Now, however, I am having a hard time being strong.  I know that one day I'll look back on this time, just like the rest of the difficult times and know that whatever I'm going through will have made me stronger, but boy, I sure feel like I'm at my breaking point.

Our family is working hard to deal with the job loss in our family.  At the onset of Robert's job loss, we were also dealing with the seizures that our oldest daughter was having.  She was experiencing grand mal seizures and the doctors were adjusting her medicine.   February and March were pretty bad seizure wise and then nothing until early May.  Again, the medicine was adjusted and we have been monitoring her all summer with blood tests to check her levels.   Last Thursday she had another seizure and we took her to emergency.  Her levels were a little low and again the medicine was adjusted.  This morning she woke up as was getting ready to go to her first photo shoot appointment when I heard the dreadful sound.  I could hear something hitting in the bathroom so I called out to her and the silence was frightening.  As I heard the hitting sound, I immediatley reached for the doorknob , only to find it locked.  With panic, I called for Robert who got out of bed and got the tools to unlock the door.  After what seemed like forever, the door finally opened and we again found her on the floor.  This time however, the place she fell and the position she was in terrified me.  She was wedged between the toilet and the wall in a space that is less than a foot wide.  Her head was twisted and I wasn't sure how we would get her out or if she had cut herself.  We gently pulled and managed to free her and lay her down comfortably.  She came to about 10 minutes later and we have taken her to get more blood work. 

What is different about today than all the rest?  There are lots of tears and fear in all of us.  Amber says she feels different after her seizure today than other days.  Robert doesn't want to leave anywhere today because he says he has this feeling in him that something else will happen, which he hasn't had before.  I just feel numb and sad and scared and depressed all at once.  I know I have to be strong for the other kids so they won't be afraid but it's the unknown I am scared of.  Not knowing what or when something is going to happen next.  Frustration that they can't figure out why all of a sudden this year, she is having so many seizures and what damage all of this is doing to her. 

I just pray for strength and know that sometimes the road is smooth and clear and sometimes it gets bumpy and rough.  Sometimes we can see clearly for miles and other times we need to trudge through the fog.  This is one of those times.  I know there are lessons to be learned but Lord right now I don't know what it is and I don't know if I have the strength to deal with any of this.